Part of me leans toward the hippie, flower-child type who would thrive in the Renaissance Festival lifestyle. Part of me buys Gucci purses and more shoes than necessary and loves having financial security. Part of me wants to be someone; part of me wants to be left alone.
One thing is for sure – all parts of me need to be more grateful. Grateful that I even have the opportunity to decide for myself what parts of me I want to show (or hide). Grateful that I live in a culture that allows me autonomy and respect (well, more respect than some other cultures!). Grateful for the wonderful person I share my life with – The Husband. He is supportive, loving, caring, and funny as heck!
So, who am I? Cher has been quoted comparing being rich and poor, young and old, skinny and fat, and deciding that rich, young, and skinny is preferable. I would agree (although I don’t know about Cher’s level of wealth; I just know that we’re much better off now than we were when we started out). I am older, I am larger. I am unhealthier. I am in more physical pain than before, but less emotional pain than before.
I do not like my job. I do not feel useful and I do not have enough to do (yet people around me feel that I must be busy). I do not like long commutes, yet I chose to take a job farther away than any job I have ever had. What was I thinking? (I was thinking that, “I am unemployed and should really take this job in Minnetonka because it’s only until the end of August.”) Well, it’s September and I am still here – probably until next March unless I find something else. And no more hour-long commutes!
Part of me wants to retire, but I know that a big part of me is too lazy. I need to have something to do, or I risk doing nothing (or not much). Is that so wrong? “Yes,” says part of me. “Why?” says another part. Why do I have to do something all of the time? Why can’t I just be? Perhaps because I am not mindful enough to remember to just be. I would sink into mindlessness, and that’s not acceptable. Why should The Husband keep his job just to support me? He deserves to retire more than I do. He works harder, has a better work ethic, and suffers greater stress than I do. Part of me thinks I should find a job for myself that would allow him to retire, but I don’t know if that is realistic. Maybe after we get rid of the mortgage I could continue full-time and he could at least switch to something less stressful.
Part of me needs to get back to work, even though most of me knows I don’t have a lot to do right now.
Tuesday, September 03, 2013
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
I feel a purge coming on
Warning: mindless blog post coming…
I am not sure, but it’s possible that I own over 100 pairs of shoes. I am not bragging – it just sort of happened over time. I have a pair of Minnetonka moccasins that my mom bought for me when I was a freshman – in high school. (Hey, they’re classics!) My mom also supplied me with a bunch of shoes over the decades that she no longer needed or liked, so I have plenty in my shoe collection that were free. Thrift store purchases also helped boost my overall shoe count without costing too much. I do, however, have some pairs that cost a little bit. Just a little. Like the $98 boots (but hey, they were originally $199!). And the Reeboks I bought for my study abroad trip to Toulouse, France. But overall, many of the pairs of shoes I have were deals. Finding cool shoes is fun, but finding them at a great price is even better!
That said, I think I may be ready to part with some of my shoes. A drop- off trip to Goodwill is in the cards soon anyway, so I may as well see if any of my shoes can be of use to someone else. Some may end up in the garbage, like the cheap black kitten-heel pumps from Target that I have worn to bits. There’s also the sandals I got in Maryland that may have finally bit the dust (unfortunately, I was out running errands far from home when the strap on those gave out – good thing I was near a Walgreens with cheap flip-flops!).
I need to be honest too. I have pairs of shoes I have not even worn. If they’ve been in my closet for over a year without use, they should go (except my beaded suede boots – they rock, but they’re too noisy to wear most days).
I am wearing some cute Italian mules from Mom today. They look great with my post-birthday pedicure (with flowers and rhinestones).
I warned you - this was pretty mindless, wasn't it?
I am not sure, but it’s possible that I own over 100 pairs of shoes. I am not bragging – it just sort of happened over time. I have a pair of Minnetonka moccasins that my mom bought for me when I was a freshman – in high school. (Hey, they’re classics!) My mom also supplied me with a bunch of shoes over the decades that she no longer needed or liked, so I have plenty in my shoe collection that were free. Thrift store purchases also helped boost my overall shoe count without costing too much. I do, however, have some pairs that cost a little bit. Just a little. Like the $98 boots (but hey, they were originally $199!). And the Reeboks I bought for my study abroad trip to Toulouse, France. But overall, many of the pairs of shoes I have were deals. Finding cool shoes is fun, but finding them at a great price is even better!
That said, I think I may be ready to part with some of my shoes. A drop- off trip to Goodwill is in the cards soon anyway, so I may as well see if any of my shoes can be of use to someone else. Some may end up in the garbage, like the cheap black kitten-heel pumps from Target that I have worn to bits. There’s also the sandals I got in Maryland that may have finally bit the dust (unfortunately, I was out running errands far from home when the strap on those gave out – good thing I was near a Walgreens with cheap flip-flops!).
I need to be honest too. I have pairs of shoes I have not even worn. If they’ve been in my closet for over a year without use, they should go (except my beaded suede boots – they rock, but they’re too noisy to wear most days).
I am wearing some cute Italian mules from Mom today. They look great with my post-birthday pedicure (with flowers and rhinestones).
I warned you - this was pretty mindless, wasn't it?
Monday, August 12, 2013
Ah, Corporate Land
I am coming to the realization that what I do at my job does not matter. It does not matter not only in the big picture, but it also does not seem to matter in the silliness that is the corporate world. You see, I have done a lot of stuff in Corporate Land that is pretty insignificant when you compare them to things like illness, suffering, love, life, and death. However, the stuff I did at least seem to matter to the projects and campaigns on which I was working.
Now, the procedures I am writing appear to be completely useless – even within the project for which they were intended. My procedures seem to be a middle step between the process flows and the training materials. Thing is, there does not need to be a middle step between the process flows and the training materials. And, the procedures I am writing are too high-level to be used as the training materials – so someone else is developing the training – without even looking at the procedures I have written.
I wish someone else would realize this and let me go. I am not adding value to the organization, and it’s getting tiring. I have decided to start by subtly suggesting that perhaps the procedures that I have already done are all that are needed. Then, perhaps I could mention that I would write more, but the workstreams do not seem to need them anymore – they are focusing now on the training and the workarounds needed in case the systems don’t cooperate on Day One. So, I try to keep busy (or at least busy looking). I have volunteered to be of assistance for other areas – perhaps if I keep volunteering, someone will realize that I have too much time on my hands. (Sigh.)
Yes, I am job hunting. It’s hard to do that at work (ethics, anyone?) but if they don’t see that I am not adding value (despite my hints), they are not paying attention.
Fortunately, this too will pass. Probably soon – and then on to the next big project in Corporate Land.
Now, the procedures I am writing appear to be completely useless – even within the project for which they were intended. My procedures seem to be a middle step between the process flows and the training materials. Thing is, there does not need to be a middle step between the process flows and the training materials. And, the procedures I am writing are too high-level to be used as the training materials – so someone else is developing the training – without even looking at the procedures I have written.
I wish someone else would realize this and let me go. I am not adding value to the organization, and it’s getting tiring. I have decided to start by subtly suggesting that perhaps the procedures that I have already done are all that are needed. Then, perhaps I could mention that I would write more, but the workstreams do not seem to need them anymore – they are focusing now on the training and the workarounds needed in case the systems don’t cooperate on Day One. So, I try to keep busy (or at least busy looking). I have volunteered to be of assistance for other areas – perhaps if I keep volunteering, someone will realize that I have too much time on my hands. (Sigh.)
Yes, I am job hunting. It’s hard to do that at work (ethics, anyone?) but if they don’t see that I am not adding value (despite my hints), they are not paying attention.
Fortunately, this too will pass. Probably soon – and then on to the next big project in Corporate Land.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Is THIS was I was meant for?
Okay, it’s time to figure out what I am supposed to do with myself. I’d like to have this decided for the rest of my life, but perhaps that is not realistic. So, let’s concentrate on what I can do with myself for the near future.
I am about to have a birthday, and if you had told me when I was young what I would be doing with myself at this stage of my life, I would have been disappointed. A corporate job? A meaningless corporate drone position? Seriously? Okay, I kinda knew that I would not really ever become a rock star (much more musical talent would be required), but to just sit and write procedures that no one will ever read for a living? (It’s true – I am writing high-level procedures for a new software application, and I have recently learned that those procedures will serve no real purpose. The employees will use the training materials someone else is writing. Why didn’t we just start with the training materials?) Bah. Corporate Land.
So, why am I here? Money. Believe me, if I weren’t getting paid, I sure wouldn’t be here. I certainly am not getting intellectual stimulation, amusment, or any other benefit sitting here tapping away on the company-issued laptop. The free coffee isn’t enough to get me to drive from Northern Dakota county to darn near Wayzata each morning.
I know myself: I am too lazy to be left on my own. I need an employer to get myself going each day. Otherwise, I am not entirely sure I’d get up at all. My greatest talent is sleeping. If I could get paid for that, I’d do okay. Not great, but okay. Sure, I’d get up for the dog – he needs exercise and he’s worth getting up for. But even he spends most of his day sleeping (lucky dog!).
I need to get moving. I need to find a better fit for my skills. Corporate blah is not doing it for me, and I knew it wouldn’t. I’d take a decent pay cut for a more meaningful position. But I do need an employer. Otherwise, I’d still be in bed!
I am about to have a birthday, and if you had told me when I was young what I would be doing with myself at this stage of my life, I would have been disappointed. A corporate job? A meaningless corporate drone position? Seriously? Okay, I kinda knew that I would not really ever become a rock star (much more musical talent would be required), but to just sit and write procedures that no one will ever read for a living? (It’s true – I am writing high-level procedures for a new software application, and I have recently learned that those procedures will serve no real purpose. The employees will use the training materials someone else is writing. Why didn’t we just start with the training materials?) Bah. Corporate Land.
So, why am I here? Money. Believe me, if I weren’t getting paid, I sure wouldn’t be here. I certainly am not getting intellectual stimulation, amusment, or any other benefit sitting here tapping away on the company-issued laptop. The free coffee isn’t enough to get me to drive from Northern Dakota county to darn near Wayzata each morning.
I know myself: I am too lazy to be left on my own. I need an employer to get myself going each day. Otherwise, I am not entirely sure I’d get up at all. My greatest talent is sleeping. If I could get paid for that, I’d do okay. Not great, but okay. Sure, I’d get up for the dog – he needs exercise and he’s worth getting up for. But even he spends most of his day sleeping (lucky dog!).
I need to get moving. I need to find a better fit for my skills. Corporate blah is not doing it for me, and I knew it wouldn’t. I’d take a decent pay cut for a more meaningful position. But I do need an employer. Otherwise, I’d still be in bed!
Friday, July 19, 2013
I never knew love like this before
I love animals. Always have. I have been primarily a cat person all of my life, but about ten years ago, something changed. Oh, I still love cats and I don’t think I’ll ever not have at least one cat with me for the rest of my life. But ten years ago The Husband and I went to a local humane society and got ourselves a puppy. We learned of this puppy through petfinder.com, a great way to find your next best friend.
If you’ve read this blog, you probably know about Pepper. I admit I was nervous – I had never owned a dog before. I knew they were more work than cats. I knew I had a lot to learn. I wasn’t sure how to get the dog to let me know when he needs to go outside (turns out you just let the dog out and he’ll take care of business – at least that’s how it is with Pep).
When Pepper was young, I learned that we needed to keep plenty of appropriate things for him to chew on handy. Our living room coffee table is not one of those appropriate things, but the teeth marks are still there. Fortunately, that was the worst damage we’ve had from his puppy years. We crate-trained him, took him to Puppy Kindergarten, lost him many times in the woods behind our house, and got him to sit, stay, come, and lay down.
He gained ten pounds a month for six months. His first bath was in one of the kitchen sinks. His second bath was in both kitchen sinks. He quickly moved up to the bathtub. He has been around 80 pounds for most of his life – a perfect weight for his body.
As Pepper got older, we all got into a routine: walks, park visits, the occasional hike, visiting his human grandparents (he gets excited when he hears the words “grandma” and “grandpa”), and playing with his girlfriend, Suzy.
When Pepper turned seven years old, I told him that I wanted another seven years. He seemed to understand. (Okay, no he didn’t. I just want to think he did.) The point is that I was realizing that he was aging, and that dogs don’t live as long as we may want them to. By this time I had grown quite attached to this beautiful creature living with me. The bond we formed together surprised me. I knew I would like having a dog, but I am blown away by how much he matters to me.
I am his Mama. When he gets hurt, he goes to his Mama. I have bandaged him, taken thorns out of his paws, washed him when he had a run-in with a skunk, and cuddled him when he needed love. The Husband (aka Daddy) is the main playmate, but I am the main caregiver.
He has changed my life. Profoundly.
I see love in his gorgeous brown eyes. I see love when he thwaps his tail on the floor when I approach him, as if to say, “Snuggle with me, Mama.” (How can I resist?)
He’s almost ten and a half years old. That makes him an old dog – about 75 years old in human terms. And, for a little over a year, he has been dealing with anxiety and the occasional panic attack. It breaks my heart to see him panting, pacing, and lost. We’ve brought him to the vet, got him on medications (daily and as needed), and got him a Thundershirt to give him some support when he’s feeling shaky.
I would do anything to take his anxiety away. I’d gladly take it on myself. I get angry at flies and mosquitoes for having the nerve to bother my baby – I certainly don’t want my sweetie bothered by any unease or discomfort from within his own body.
He still has more good moments than not-so-good. When he’s outside, he romps and sniffs and plays like usual, although perhaps a little more slowly than he used to. He loves his yew bushes. He walks into the bushes and gets a coniferous massage and back scratching.
The Husband and I do what we’ve got to do to keep Pepper happy (or at least okay). He is so incredibly worth it. That love in his eyes makes it easy to want to do anything and everything for him.
He’s my baby. I love my Pepper Dog!
If you’ve read this blog, you probably know about Pepper. I admit I was nervous – I had never owned a dog before. I knew they were more work than cats. I knew I had a lot to learn. I wasn’t sure how to get the dog to let me know when he needs to go outside (turns out you just let the dog out and he’ll take care of business – at least that’s how it is with Pep).
When Pepper was young, I learned that we needed to keep plenty of appropriate things for him to chew on handy. Our living room coffee table is not one of those appropriate things, but the teeth marks are still there. Fortunately, that was the worst damage we’ve had from his puppy years. We crate-trained him, took him to Puppy Kindergarten, lost him many times in the woods behind our house, and got him to sit, stay, come, and lay down.
He gained ten pounds a month for six months. His first bath was in one of the kitchen sinks. His second bath was in both kitchen sinks. He quickly moved up to the bathtub. He has been around 80 pounds for most of his life – a perfect weight for his body.
As Pepper got older, we all got into a routine: walks, park visits, the occasional hike, visiting his human grandparents (he gets excited when he hears the words “grandma” and “grandpa”), and playing with his girlfriend, Suzy.
When Pepper turned seven years old, I told him that I wanted another seven years. He seemed to understand. (Okay, no he didn’t. I just want to think he did.) The point is that I was realizing that he was aging, and that dogs don’t live as long as we may want them to. By this time I had grown quite attached to this beautiful creature living with me. The bond we formed together surprised me. I knew I would like having a dog, but I am blown away by how much he matters to me.
I am his Mama. When he gets hurt, he goes to his Mama. I have bandaged him, taken thorns out of his paws, washed him when he had a run-in with a skunk, and cuddled him when he needed love. The Husband (aka Daddy) is the main playmate, but I am the main caregiver.
He has changed my life. Profoundly.
I see love in his gorgeous brown eyes. I see love when he thwaps his tail on the floor when I approach him, as if to say, “Snuggle with me, Mama.” (How can I resist?)
He’s almost ten and a half years old. That makes him an old dog – about 75 years old in human terms. And, for a little over a year, he has been dealing with anxiety and the occasional panic attack. It breaks my heart to see him panting, pacing, and lost. We’ve brought him to the vet, got him on medications (daily and as needed), and got him a Thundershirt to give him some support when he’s feeling shaky.
I would do anything to take his anxiety away. I’d gladly take it on myself. I get angry at flies and mosquitoes for having the nerve to bother my baby – I certainly don’t want my sweetie bothered by any unease or discomfort from within his own body.
He still has more good moments than not-so-good. When he’s outside, he romps and sniffs and plays like usual, although perhaps a little more slowly than he used to. He loves his yew bushes. He walks into the bushes and gets a coniferous massage and back scratching.
The Husband and I do what we’ve got to do to keep Pepper happy (or at least okay). He is so incredibly worth it. That love in his eyes makes it easy to want to do anything and everything for him.
He’s my baby. I love my Pepper Dog!
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Is it pain or is it withdrawal?
I suppose it's a bit of both. I got brave and went to work without my Vicodin. I took my second dose of Humira on Monday, and I am trying to be hopeful that this will take away the pain (this and the methotrexate I take on Thursdays). So, today I just felt a little weird along with the joint soreness. I took the dog for a walk after work and now I feel a little weirder... but resolute in my decision not to take any Vicodin today. I am going to try this again tomorrow - I need to remember to bring more ibuprofen to work!!
Three of my knuckles on my right hand hurt. The Husband told me to stop punching people at work so my hand won't hurt as much (he's so funny, ain't he?).
I do need to stop typing this post before I punch my computer. It's so old and slow, it makes me feel like an Olympic athlete by comparison!
Friday, July 05, 2013
CarePages - Quest4Diagnosis
I've had a blog on CarePages (from the Mayo Clinic) titled Quest4Diagnosis that I have used to chronicle my journey from being in pain and stumping doctors in the Twin Cities to going to the Mayo Clinic and having all sorts of fun tests done to finally arrive at a diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis (RA).
I have not been a very regular poster on either of my blogs, so I decided to continue with this one (Collette's Place) and discontinue posting to the CarePages blog. That means that I will be posting my adventures with RA on this blog (as well as other thoughts and ponderings I come up with).
If you came here from my CarePages site, welcome to Collette's Place! As you can see, I've been on this blog for a while longer. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your support! I certainly have felt the love through cyberspace, and it is a wonderful feeling.
Here's to sharing life and tackling its curve balls together!
Take care of yourselves,
Collette (Yes, this is a pseudonym.)
I have not been a very regular poster on either of my blogs, so I decided to continue with this one (Collette's Place) and discontinue posting to the CarePages blog. That means that I will be posting my adventures with RA on this blog (as well as other thoughts and ponderings I come up with).
If you came here from my CarePages site, welcome to Collette's Place! As you can see, I've been on this blog for a while longer. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your support! I certainly have felt the love through cyberspace, and it is a wonderful feeling.
Here's to sharing life and tackling its curve balls together!
Take care of yourselves,
Collette (Yes, this is a pseudonym.)
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Little Women (and why I just finished reading this at near middle-age)
I just finished reading Little Women, and just realized why I hadn’t read it when I was a girl. I learned how to read early (before Kindergarten), and consequently many of my birthday and Christmas gifts from family were books. My beloved grandparents gave me Little Women when I was eight, but it just did not keep my attention.
I think I know why: my dear grandparents also gave me the Little House series of books by Laura Ingalls Wilder. I was a bit of a tomboy in my youth, and I am sure I related much better to Laura in the Big Woods and the Prairie than I did with proper Meg, Beth, Amy, and even Jo. Laura was somewhat of a tomboy also, and her adventures as her family moved across the Midwest (including Minnesota), grabbed my interest and held it. When I was young, I also appreciated the more simple approach to life in the Little House books – Ma versus Marmee, small towns versus travelling to New York and across Europe, and just being polite instead of worrying about one’s place in society. Certainly the writing styles of Louisa May Alcott and Laura Ingalls Wilder were quite different too; Ms. Alcott even occasionally referred to herself as the storyteller, while Ms. Wilder kept herself out of the narrative completely.
Now that I am older and (ahem) more mature, I appreciate the grace and charm of the March family a little more. Of course, I found myself liking Jo the best (the tomboy), but also found myself caring for the rest of the Women as they grew up and left the March home. It also gives me a different perspective on how life was around the same time as Laura grew up.
A part of my childhood is now complete and I can return Little Women to the bookshelf (next to the Little House books).
I think I know why: my dear grandparents also gave me the Little House series of books by Laura Ingalls Wilder. I was a bit of a tomboy in my youth, and I am sure I related much better to Laura in the Big Woods and the Prairie than I did with proper Meg, Beth, Amy, and even Jo. Laura was somewhat of a tomboy also, and her adventures as her family moved across the Midwest (including Minnesota), grabbed my interest and held it. When I was young, I also appreciated the more simple approach to life in the Little House books – Ma versus Marmee, small towns versus travelling to New York and across Europe, and just being polite instead of worrying about one’s place in society. Certainly the writing styles of Louisa May Alcott and Laura Ingalls Wilder were quite different too; Ms. Alcott even occasionally referred to herself as the storyteller, while Ms. Wilder kept herself out of the narrative completely.
Now that I am older and (ahem) more mature, I appreciate the grace and charm of the March family a little more. Of course, I found myself liking Jo the best (the tomboy), but also found myself caring for the rest of the Women as they grew up and left the March home. It also gives me a different perspective on how life was around the same time as Laura grew up.
A part of my childhood is now complete and I can return Little Women to the bookshelf (next to the Little House books).
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Another crossroads
I find myself between jobs once more. Another opportunity to figure out what I want to do when I grow up. Along the way, I have at least figured out what I do not want to do. I have enough experience under my belt to know what trade-offs I am willing to make in my career.
I do not concern myself with having an important title or making a large salary. Moving up the corporate ladder was never a career goal of mine. I prefer to be valued for the skills I bring as a communicator than for my upper management potential. And prudence has kept my husband and me financially secure. I want to be paid a fair wage for my skills, but I can take a lower salary for the right situation.
But what exactly is the right situation?
I am leaning toward the health care industry, but am open to other organizations that care about people. I insist on working in a friendly environment. Life is too short to spend most of my waking hours in a cold or indifferent workplace.
Am I going to be strong enough to truly search for the right situation, instead of just another job? I believe the key is with my interviewing skills. I have worked on presenting my abilities and myself in the best light for a potential employer. It’s time I also worked on interviewing the employer more thoroughly—not just on the position, but the environment and the culture. I need to be more alert to possible red flags (like continued questioning about how I handle working with difficult people…).
Suitable positions are out there. I just need to take my time and find one. I have exceptional skills to offer and a willingness to contribute to the success of my employer. All I ask is for a positive environment and a decent wage.
I do not concern myself with having an important title or making a large salary. Moving up the corporate ladder was never a career goal of mine. I prefer to be valued for the skills I bring as a communicator than for my upper management potential. And prudence has kept my husband and me financially secure. I want to be paid a fair wage for my skills, but I can take a lower salary for the right situation.
But what exactly is the right situation?
I am leaning toward the health care industry, but am open to other organizations that care about people. I insist on working in a friendly environment. Life is too short to spend most of my waking hours in a cold or indifferent workplace.
Am I going to be strong enough to truly search for the right situation, instead of just another job? I believe the key is with my interviewing skills. I have worked on presenting my abilities and myself in the best light for a potential employer. It’s time I also worked on interviewing the employer more thoroughly—not just on the position, but the environment and the culture. I need to be more alert to possible red flags (like continued questioning about how I handle working with difficult people…).
Suitable positions are out there. I just need to take my time and find one. I have exceptional skills to offer and a willingness to contribute to the success of my employer. All I ask is for a positive environment and a decent wage.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
The Tipping Point
OMG. I have been supportive of the 99% movement because I do not like that billionaires’ net worth has gone up almost 300% in the last year while millions of hard-working Americans struggle to make ends meet, but now I am on the verge of truly being disgusted.
Today I read that Bank of America and other big banks are making money by charging fees to those who have no choice but to use pre-paid cards to receive their unemployment benefits. Charging fees to people who are stuck receiving their unemployment checks one way — through an ATM — is a new low.
I am not anti-corporation. I am not anti-profit. But there is a point where the profit motive slides down into total and complete greed at the expense of human beings. I am anti-greed. Where is the line between profit and greed? I don’t know, but it’s crystal clear to me that we’ve crossed it.
I do not advocate socialism. I don’t think the wealthy should pay for everything and the less fortunate should just receive. I do, however, believe a few things:
Corporations are not people. Period.
Taxes should be proportionate to wealth (i.e., fair).
Lobbyists should be regulated and transparent.
Congress, the President, and the Supreme Court should all be held to the same laws and regulations that the rest of the USA is.
Government for the people, of the people, and by the people.
No company is too big to fail. If a company fails, that’s the company’s problem. If unethical or illegal activities precipitated the failure, the guilty parties should be incarcerated (after a fair trial).
Servicemen and servicewomen (and their families) should be protected from any and all hardship related to the soldier’s service. There should be no adversity whatsoever for anyone who is willing to serve all of us in the most dangerous way.
The United States of America I want to see cares about all of its citizens (regardless of net worth), but also expects everyone to pull up their bootstraps and make their own way in the world. I would love to see a real connection between hard work and financial security. Too many people work harder than I’ll ever know and still have struggles I will never understand.
If you don’t want to work, that is your choice. Just don’t expect anything to be handed to you. If you run a multi-billion dollar corporation and feel entitled to keep making money hand over fist, that’s fine too. Just remember that you shouldn’t expect anything to be handed to you either.
Elizabeth Warren said it the best. “There is nobody in this country who got rich on his own. Nobody. You built a factory out there — good for you! But I want to be clear. You moved your goods to market on the roads the rest of us paid for. You hired workers the rest of us paid to educate. You were safe in your factory because of police forces and fire forces that the rest of us paid for. You didn’t have to worry that marauding bands would come and seize everything at your factory, and hire someone to protect against this, because of the work the rest of us did. Now look, you built a factory and it turned into something terrific, or a great idea — God bless. Keep a big hunk of it. But part of the underlying social contract is you take a hunk of that and pay forward for the next kid who comes along.”
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
Mustard seeds and 9/11
Early in my experience with Soto Zen Buddhism, I heard a story about a woman who went to the Buddha after her child died. She asked him to bring her child back. He told the woman that he would indeed bring her child back to life, but she had to do something first. She had to get one tiny little mustard seed and bring it to the Buddha. However, this mustard seed had to come from a household that did not know pain, suffering, or loss.
She headed out to find this household and get that mustard seed so she could get her child back. Before long, she realized that she was not going to find a household that did not know pain, suffering, or loss and would therefore not get her mustard seed. The Buddha’s lesson dawned on her. She ended her search for the mustard seed and went on with her life.
I certainly don’t think that this story can make anyone feel better about feeling pain, but it does illustrate the First Noble Truth; to live means to suffer.
I have known something about myself for most of my life—I can be oversensitive at times. Seeing pain and suffering around me comes easily. I reflect on the story of the woman with the Buddha, but also on the other three Noble Truths (the origin of suffering is attachment, the cessation of suffering is attainable, following the Eighfold Path is the way to end suffering).
This is all in the forefront of my life now that we’re approaching the 10th anniversary of September 11. Certainly, this was the most horrible day of my life and the lives of countless others. My heart gets heavy when I see and hear reminders of this event.
I find myself asking, “Why?” Why does there have to be such pain? Why does there have to be such hate? My heart breaks when I think of the people who were doing things I do all the time (going to work, flying on a plane, etc.) and they simply did not live to see the end of the day.
Because to live means to suffer.
Death causes pain because of our attachment to life. I am not saying that we should not respect the gift that is life, but that perhaps clinging to it too tightly can make separating from it worse than it could be. It does not help that we truly do not know what happens after death. Is there a heaven? Is there nothing? We do not know (and we never will). Oops – that “need to know” is an example of more clinging!
So. How does one deal with all the pain? I need to reflect on this now more than usual so I can handle this terrible anniversary and remain intact. I could start by living in the moment. Just now, nothing else. I can appreciate the gift of life and remember that it is certainly a temporary state. (“…we’re only immortal for a limited time.” ~ Rush, Dreamline)
I can also pray for peace. I can be an example of non-hatred toward Muslims (9/11 was not a Muslim act despite opinions otherwise). I can remember those who were lost. I can live my life, not allowing this or any other event to move me from my chosen path. We all know pain, suffering, and loss. We are all one.
She headed out to find this household and get that mustard seed so she could get her child back. Before long, she realized that she was not going to find a household that did not know pain, suffering, or loss and would therefore not get her mustard seed. The Buddha’s lesson dawned on her. She ended her search for the mustard seed and went on with her life.
I certainly don’t think that this story can make anyone feel better about feeling pain, but it does illustrate the First Noble Truth; to live means to suffer.
I have known something about myself for most of my life—I can be oversensitive at times. Seeing pain and suffering around me comes easily. I reflect on the story of the woman with the Buddha, but also on the other three Noble Truths (the origin of suffering is attachment, the cessation of suffering is attainable, following the Eighfold Path is the way to end suffering).
This is all in the forefront of my life now that we’re approaching the 10th anniversary of September 11. Certainly, this was the most horrible day of my life and the lives of countless others. My heart gets heavy when I see and hear reminders of this event.
I find myself asking, “Why?” Why does there have to be such pain? Why does there have to be such hate? My heart breaks when I think of the people who were doing things I do all the time (going to work, flying on a plane, etc.) and they simply did not live to see the end of the day.
Because to live means to suffer.
Death causes pain because of our attachment to life. I am not saying that we should not respect the gift that is life, but that perhaps clinging to it too tightly can make separating from it worse than it could be. It does not help that we truly do not know what happens after death. Is there a heaven? Is there nothing? We do not know (and we never will). Oops – that “need to know” is an example of more clinging!
So. How does one deal with all the pain? I need to reflect on this now more than usual so I can handle this terrible anniversary and remain intact. I could start by living in the moment. Just now, nothing else. I can appreciate the gift of life and remember that it is certainly a temporary state. (“…we’re only immortal for a limited time.” ~ Rush, Dreamline)
I can also pray for peace. I can be an example of non-hatred toward Muslims (9/11 was not a Muslim act despite opinions otherwise). I can remember those who were lost. I can live my life, not allowing this or any other event to move me from my chosen path. We all know pain, suffering, and loss. We are all one.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Which is worse?
Would you rather be a sensitive person who feels pain when witnessing the suffering of others, or a non-feeling person who doesn’t?
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Where are we going, and why are we in this handbasket?
I am trying to remind myself that the times we are in are in flux - as change is the only "permanent" thing there is.
I am sure this is not the only time in US history in which there was such divisiveness, but it seems like the people elected to serve us have simply forgotten who their constituents truly are, IMHO.
Corporations are people? No, they are not. Not even close. Corporations are an important part of our economy and have value, but to place that value equal to that of an actual human being is ridiculous.
I just want things to be more fair. Even one of the most wealthy people on Earth, Warren Buffet, wants things to be more fair. Not socialist - FAIR. The distribution of wealth in the US and the world is too off kilter. I don't believe in handouts, but is it asking too much for those with the most to pay taxes like everyone else? (Perhaps a flat tax rate for all?) I am not saying the rich should pay more than their fair share.
Just fair. Of course, I am sure my definition of "fair" may not be the same as others'. (Sigh.)
I am sure this is not the only time in US history in which there was such divisiveness, but it seems like the people elected to serve us have simply forgotten who their constituents truly are, IMHO.
Corporations are people? No, they are not. Not even close. Corporations are an important part of our economy and have value, but to place that value equal to that of an actual human being is ridiculous.
I just want things to be more fair. Even one of the most wealthy people on Earth, Warren Buffet, wants things to be more fair. Not socialist - FAIR. The distribution of wealth in the US and the world is too off kilter. I don't believe in handouts, but is it asking too much for those with the most to pay taxes like everyone else? (Perhaps a flat tax rate for all?) I am not saying the rich should pay more than their fair share.
Just fair. Of course, I am sure my definition of "fair" may not be the same as others'. (Sigh.)
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Jim Thome
I am thrilled that I was watching the Twins game yesterday. They won (which is always nice), but I also got to witness Jim Thome's 599th and 600th home runs live (on TV).
I have not always liked to hear that Jim Thome was up to bat... then again, he used to play against the Twins for many years. I always respected him, but feared him when he would bat against us.
Then he became a Twin - hurray! Now I would drop whatever I was doing to watch his at-bats. Not just because he was inching his way to home run number 600, but just because he could do damage to the opposition's defense.
I believe in my heart of hearts that Jim Thome got to this incredible milestone honestly (unlike Sosa, Bonds, or even perhaps Rodriguez). So, IMHO, Thome is the fifth player to reach 600, not the eighth.
Hurray Jim Thome! Thanks for showing us how to hit 'em out with class.
I have not always liked to hear that Jim Thome was up to bat... then again, he used to play against the Twins for many years. I always respected him, but feared him when he would bat against us.
Then he became a Twin - hurray! Now I would drop whatever I was doing to watch his at-bats. Not just because he was inching his way to home run number 600, but just because he could do damage to the opposition's defense.
I believe in my heart of hearts that Jim Thome got to this incredible milestone honestly (unlike Sosa, Bonds, or even perhaps Rodriguez). So, IMHO, Thome is the fifth player to reach 600, not the eighth.
Hurray Jim Thome! Thanks for showing us how to hit 'em out with class.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Has it been over a year?
Yes, I am a terrible blogger. I admit it. I've got some catching up to do!
Here's a summary of the past year:
- I got a contract position writing and editing at the Really Big Bank (yes, the same Really Big Bank that eliminated my position). Hey - I would have laid me off too - it was a business decision and I have absolutely no ill will.
- The Husband and I went to London in September 2010 to celebrate a major milestone anniversary. Quite a lovely town, this London! Great pubs too.
- Our beautiful Monti passed away in November. Kidney disease, just like his sister Beau. Sadness. Monti was the one who loved (and needed) attention. So un-catlike, but fun just the same.
- In March 2011, we were ready to adopt again. Enter Sam and Stella, our new kitties! They were abandoned in a vacant apartment (people can really suck sometimes!). They are quick to purr and fun to watch. They are one month apart (Sam's the elder) and he'll turn one year old around late September or early October. Sam is the orange cat and Stella is the dark striped cat.
I'll try not to wait another year before posting again!
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
I'm bored
To whom do I owe this situation? I am not a fraud, nor do I want to rip anyone off. I just want a decent job at a decent wage, no farther than South Minneapolis, no closer than my own home. Productivity is a healthy thing. I do want to work – getting paid for nothing does not please me one bit. I have no need for any more material goods – I only want to keep and maintain what I have. I enjoy travel, but do not need to see the entire world in first class accommodations. Future security is good, but I do not need to have multiple residences in retirement – just the one will do, thank you. We’re planning to have the house paid off in our mid-50s, so that will help keep our future going where it should go.
I do not like boredom. Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose. In that case, do I truly want freedom? The Buddhist in me says, “Yes.” The American in me says, “Let’s clarify this ‘nothing left’ part… because heaven forbid that I lose anything that I have.” (If that’s not clinging, I am not sure what is…)
Today’s my birthday. Big deal. It’s not like my childhood when I would have a party with presents and sweets. It’s not like this birthday is of any importance –I already have my driver’s license, I can legally purchase alcohol, I am a registered voter. I am years away from becoming a member of AARP, which is just fine by me. I suppose the next age of note will come when I am able to retire, but that’s not a set age (unlike 16, 18 or 21). I do not know when I will retire, and I don’t know what “retirement” will even look like when it comes. I suspect that I will still work somehow – just to keep myself social and in a little bit of money.
This moment is good. That’s all there is – this moment. A few minutes ago is gone. Last year is so history. Later today is not here now, and we have no idea what will “later today” mean. That’s all.
So what about this situation? I feel guilt for sticking around when I have nothing to do (except mark my hours on a time card).
I do not like boredom. Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose. In that case, do I truly want freedom? The Buddhist in me says, “Yes.” The American in me says, “Let’s clarify this ‘nothing left’ part… because heaven forbid that I lose anything that I have.” (If that’s not clinging, I am not sure what is…)
Today’s my birthday. Big deal. It’s not like my childhood when I would have a party with presents and sweets. It’s not like this birthday is of any importance –I already have my driver’s license, I can legally purchase alcohol, I am a registered voter. I am years away from becoming a member of AARP, which is just fine by me. I suppose the next age of note will come when I am able to retire, but that’s not a set age (unlike 16, 18 or 21). I do not know when I will retire, and I don’t know what “retirement” will even look like when it comes. I suspect that I will still work somehow – just to keep myself social and in a little bit of money.
This moment is good. That’s all there is – this moment. A few minutes ago is gone. Last year is so history. Later today is not here now, and we have no idea what will “later today” mean. That’s all.
So what about this situation? I feel guilt for sticking around when I have nothing to do (except mark my hours on a time card).
Friday, July 09, 2010
Raspberries and fireflies - life at Chez Dickey
I walked The Dog around the yard this morning. Every now and again I realize just how fortunate I am to have this great yard and this wonderful home. The Husband and I did not really want a big house - the one we have is plenty big for two people, one cat and one dog. We did want space and nature, which we definitely have here.
When we first moved in, our neighbor had two beautiful horses who lived in the field right behind our house. When we looked out our kitchen windows or sat on our deck, we could see the horses hanging out in their field. We would occasionally feed them apples or carrots (with our neighbor's permission), but mostly we just admired them.
The horses are gone now - as is the neighbor. We do still have many animals who visit Chez Dickey, including a multitude of songbirds (The Husband could name them all), deer, coyotes, red foxes, snakes, toads, tree frogs, skinks, spiders, weasels, woodchucks, and bats. Other birds we have seen in our yard include owls, hawks, and wild turkeys.
We have the yard we mow and the yard we leave alone. We have wildflowers and native Minnesota grasses, pine trees, oaks, maples, black walnuts, buckthorn, aspen, and poplars. One delight we have here are the wild raspberries. This year's a banner year for the black and red raspberries, and the blackberries should be strong this year too (they'll arrive later on).
Another simple joy we have are the fireflies. In June and into July, we have a light show every evening. It's almost as if the paparazzi are out there, flashing away - yet we have total privacy. We've caught a few, only to let them go right away. It's just fun to see them in a jar, flashing their light as if it's an SOS (I can just hear them, "Let me out of this jar! I need to be free!")
We have so much, but it is nice to just enjoy the simple gifts, isn't it?
When we first moved in, our neighbor had two beautiful horses who lived in the field right behind our house. When we looked out our kitchen windows or sat on our deck, we could see the horses hanging out in their field. We would occasionally feed them apples or carrots (with our neighbor's permission), but mostly we just admired them.
The horses are gone now - as is the neighbor. We do still have many animals who visit Chez Dickey, including a multitude of songbirds (The Husband could name them all), deer, coyotes, red foxes, snakes, toads, tree frogs, skinks, spiders, weasels, woodchucks, and bats. Other birds we have seen in our yard include owls, hawks, and wild turkeys.
We have the yard we mow and the yard we leave alone. We have wildflowers and native Minnesota grasses, pine trees, oaks, maples, black walnuts, buckthorn, aspen, and poplars. One delight we have here are the wild raspberries. This year's a banner year for the black and red raspberries, and the blackberries should be strong this year too (they'll arrive later on).
Another simple joy we have are the fireflies. In June and into July, we have a light show every evening. It's almost as if the paparazzi are out there, flashing away - yet we have total privacy. We've caught a few, only to let them go right away. It's just fun to see them in a jar, flashing their light as if it's an SOS (I can just hear them, "Let me out of this jar! I need to be free!")
We have so much, but it is nice to just enjoy the simple gifts, isn't it?
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Right now, this minute
That's all there really is.
I try to keep myself in the moment, but find that I (like so many others) am really good at the "When ______ happens, then all will be good."
The silliest thing I have been thinking lately is that "When I get a job, I can get my nails done." And then what? Really - is that what I am shooing for? (Sorry: Is it that for which I am shooting?) All of my career experience and education going to support a trivial (and artificial) beauty treatment?
Planning for the future is one thing. Living in a future that will never arrive is something else. I try to avoid the "if - then" thinking because it takes me away from NOW. This moment.
Of course, this is easier said (typed?) than done. It's the American Dream to hope for better than what you have/are now. But what if we stepped back and saw that what we have/are now is pretty darn good? Looking forward too much robs us of satisfaction with the here and now.
And really, my trimmed nails are just fine as they are.
Acknowledgement must go to tinybuddha.com for inspiring me today! Ghasso!
I try to keep myself in the moment, but find that I (like so many others) am really good at the "When ______ happens, then all will be good."
The silliest thing I have been thinking lately is that "When I get a job, I can get my nails done." And then what? Really - is that what I am shooing for? (Sorry: Is it that for which I am shooting?) All of my career experience and education going to support a trivial (and artificial) beauty treatment?
Planning for the future is one thing. Living in a future that will never arrive is something else. I try to avoid the "if - then" thinking because it takes me away from NOW. This moment.
Of course, this is easier said (typed?) than done. It's the American Dream to hope for better than what you have/are now. But what if we stepped back and saw that what we have/are now is pretty darn good? Looking forward too much robs us of satisfaction with the here and now.
And really, my trimmed nails are just fine as they are.
Acknowledgement must go to tinybuddha.com for inspiring me today! Ghasso!
Friday, March 19, 2010
Go Twins!
The Husband and I have purchased tickets to two games at Target Field this season. I am excited to see the new park and looking forward to a new season of Twins baseball.
Despite my not-so-positive feelings about major league sports in general (there's too much emphasis on the money, not enough love for the sports themselves... which is a topic for another post someday...), I find myself energized by a new baseball season. I think Terrance Mann summed it up best (from the movie Field of Dreams) when he said,
..."The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again."
This quote not only keeps me in love with baseball, it reminds me of new beginnings. As an unemployed corporate drone trying to find her place in the working world, this has more meaning to me now than ever.
Despite my not-so-positive feelings about major league sports in general (there's too much emphasis on the money, not enough love for the sports themselves... which is a topic for another post someday...), I find myself energized by a new baseball season. I think Terrance Mann summed it up best (from the movie Field of Dreams) when he said,
..."The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again."
This quote not only keeps me in love with baseball, it reminds me of new beginnings. As an unemployed corporate drone trying to find her place in the working world, this has more meaning to me now than ever.
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Recurring dreams
I have three themes that keep recurring in my dreams. I do not have the same dream over and over, but somehow I manage to have variations on dreams about my parents’ new house, getting lost on a college campus, and missing classes in high school.
My parents have moved twice since they lived in the house in which I grew up. Both of them are creative people who have definitely made their marks on the houses they owned, through redecorating, massive gardens and reconstruction. The dreams I have of their new houses always feature a different house, but the over-arching premise of the dream is that whatever new house they have, it’s over-the-top magnificent. Opulent chandeliers, breathtaking beachfronts, amazing closets, top-of-the-line appliances, interior waterfalls — it’s all there. I am not sure what this means, but perhaps I am in awe of their creativity and how they have transformed their previous houses into homes that truly were theirs.
The other two dream themes center on education. The college dream, in which I seem to be lost on campus, sometimes finds me in my dorm for part of the dream and other times I am wandering between buildings. One constant is that even though I cannot find my way, I already have multiple post-graduate degrees from this institution. Perhaps I understand that just because I have a college degree, I know I will never stop learning — but somehow will always need a map to get myself where I want to be!
The other dream theme finds me walking the halls of a mystery high school deciding if I am going to attend class or not. While I know that I have already graduated, I still feel a pang of guilt at the thought of skipping a class. What does this mean? Looking back, I did not exactly apply myself during my senior year of high school (I had “senioritis” that set in after I had been accepted to my desired universities). I later redeemed myself in college, earning 4.0 quarters and making the Dean’s List. Do I doubt the validity of my high school diploma? And if so, why does this matter now that I am old enough to have college-aged children of my own (not to mention a Bachelor’s degree)? Perhaps I feel that I could have graduated with honors if I had tried harder. I don’t know.
It’s interesting that I have never had the same actual dream twice. I enjoy dreaming of the palatial estates of my dream parents and do not mind trying to find my way on a university campus, but the high school dreams annoy me. This year is my 25th high school reunion — I would like to put any issues I have with my high school education to bed (pun certainly intended!).
My parents have moved twice since they lived in the house in which I grew up. Both of them are creative people who have definitely made their marks on the houses they owned, through redecorating, massive gardens and reconstruction. The dreams I have of their new houses always feature a different house, but the over-arching premise of the dream is that whatever new house they have, it’s over-the-top magnificent. Opulent chandeliers, breathtaking beachfronts, amazing closets, top-of-the-line appliances, interior waterfalls — it’s all there. I am not sure what this means, but perhaps I am in awe of their creativity and how they have transformed their previous houses into homes that truly were theirs.
The other two dream themes center on education. The college dream, in which I seem to be lost on campus, sometimes finds me in my dorm for part of the dream and other times I am wandering between buildings. One constant is that even though I cannot find my way, I already have multiple post-graduate degrees from this institution. Perhaps I understand that just because I have a college degree, I know I will never stop learning — but somehow will always need a map to get myself where I want to be!
The other dream theme finds me walking the halls of a mystery high school deciding if I am going to attend class or not. While I know that I have already graduated, I still feel a pang of guilt at the thought of skipping a class. What does this mean? Looking back, I did not exactly apply myself during my senior year of high school (I had “senioritis” that set in after I had been accepted to my desired universities). I later redeemed myself in college, earning 4.0 quarters and making the Dean’s List. Do I doubt the validity of my high school diploma? And if so, why does this matter now that I am old enough to have college-aged children of my own (not to mention a Bachelor’s degree)? Perhaps I feel that I could have graduated with honors if I had tried harder. I don’t know.
It’s interesting that I have never had the same actual dream twice. I enjoy dreaming of the palatial estates of my dream parents and do not mind trying to find my way on a university campus, but the high school dreams annoy me. This year is my 25th high school reunion — I would like to put any issues I have with my high school education to bed (pun certainly intended!).
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