Is it pain or is it withdrawal?

I suppose it's a bit of both. I got brave and went to work without my Vicodin. I took my second dose of Humira on Monday, and I am trying to be hopeful that this will take away the pain (this and the methotrexate I take on Thursdays). So, today I just felt a little weird along with the joint soreness. I took the dog for a walk after work and now I feel a little weirder... but resolute in my decision not to take any Vicodin today. I am going to try this again tomorrow - I need to remember to bring more ibuprofen to work!! Three of my knuckles on my right hand hurt. The Husband told me to stop punching people at work so my hand won't hurt as much (he's so funny, ain't he?). I do need to stop typing this post before I punch my computer. It's so old and slow, it makes me feel like an Olympic athlete by comparison!

CarePages - Quest4Diagnosis

I've had a blog on CarePages (from the Mayo Clinic) titled Quest4Diagnosis that I have used to chronicle my journey from being in pain and stumping doctors in the Twin Cities to going to the Mayo Clinic and having all sorts of fun tests done to finally arrive at a diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis (RA).

I have not been a very regular poster on either of my blogs, so I decided to continue with this one (Collette's Place) and discontinue posting to the CarePages blog. That means that I will be posting my adventures with RA on this blog (as well as other thoughts and ponderings I come up with).

If you came here from my CarePages site, welcome to Collette's Place! As you can see, I've been on this blog for a while longer. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your support! I certainly have felt the love through cyberspace, and it is a wonderful feeling.

Here's to sharing life and tackling its curve balls together!

Take care of yourselves,
Collette (Yes, this is a pseudonym.)

Little Women (and why I just finished reading this at near middle-age)

I just finished reading Little Women, and just realized why I hadn’t read it when I was a girl. I learned how to read early (before Kindergarten), and consequently many of my birthday and Christmas gifts from family were books. My beloved grandparents gave me Little Women when I was eight, but it just did not keep my attention.


I think I know why: my dear grandparents also gave me the Little House series of books by Laura Ingalls Wilder. I was a bit of a tomboy in my youth, and I am sure I related much better to Laura in the Big Woods and the Prairie than I did with proper Meg, Beth, Amy, and even Jo. Laura was somewhat of a tomboy also, and her adventures as her family moved across the Midwest (including Minnesota), grabbed my interest and held it. When I was young, I also appreciated the more simple approach to life in the Little House books – Ma versus Marmee, small towns versus travelling to New York and across Europe, and just being polite instead of worrying about one’s place in society. Certainly the writing styles of Louisa May Alcott and Laura Ingalls Wilder were quite different too; Ms. Alcott even occasionally referred to herself as the storyteller, while Ms. Wilder kept herself out of the narrative completely.

Now that I am older and (ahem) more mature, I appreciate the grace and charm of the March family a little more. Of course, I found myself liking Jo the best (the tomboy), but also found myself caring for the rest of the Women as they grew up and left the March home. It also gives me a different perspective on how life was around the same time as Laura grew up.

A part of my childhood is now complete and I can return Little Women to the bookshelf (next to the Little House books).

Another crossroads

I find myself between jobs once more. Another opportunity to figure out what I want to do when I grow up. Along the way, I have at least figured out what I do not want to do. I have enough experience under my belt to know what trade-offs I am willing to make in my career.

I do not concern myself with having an important title or making a large salary. Moving up the corporate ladder was never a career goal of mine. I prefer to be valued for the skills I bring as a communicator than for my upper management potential. And prudence has kept my husband and me financially secure. I want to be paid a fair wage for my skills, but I can take a lower salary for the right situation.

But what exactly is the right situation?

I am leaning toward the health care industry, but am open to other organizations that care about people. I insist on working in a friendly environment. Life is too short to spend most of my waking hours in a cold or indifferent workplace.

Am I going to be strong enough to truly search for the right situation, instead of just another job? I believe the key is with my interviewing skills. I have worked on presenting my abilities and myself in the best light for a potential employer. It’s time I also worked on interviewing the employer more thoroughly—not just on the position, but the environment and the culture. I need to be more alert to possible red flags (like continued questioning about how I handle working with difficult people…).

Suitable positions are out there. I just need to take my time and find one. I have exceptional skills to offer and a willingness to contribute to the success of my employer. All I ask is for a positive environment and a decent wage.

The Tipping Point

OMG. I have been supportive of the 99% movement because I do not like that billionaires’ net worth has gone up almost 300% in the last year while millions of hard-working Americans struggle to make ends meet, but now I am on the verge of truly being disgusted.

Today I read that Bank of America and other big banks are making money by charging fees to those who have no choice but to use pre-paid cards to receive their unemployment benefits. Charging fees to people who are stuck receiving their unemployment checks one way — through an ATM — is a new low.

I am not anti-corporation. I am not anti-profit. But there is a point where the profit motive slides down into total and complete greed at the expense of human beings. I am anti-greed. Where is the line between profit and greed? I don’t know, but it’s crystal clear to me that we’ve crossed it.

I do not advocate socialism. I don’t think the wealthy should pay for everything and the less fortunate should just receive. I do, however, believe a few things:

Corporations are not people. Period.

Taxes should be proportionate to wealth (i.e., fair).

Lobbyists should be regulated and transparent.

Congress, the President, and the Supreme Court should all be held to the same laws and regulations that the rest of the USA is.

Government for the people, of the people, and by the people.

No company is too big to fail. If a company fails, that’s the company’s problem. If unethical or illegal activities precipitated the failure, the guilty parties should be incarcerated (after a fair trial).

Servicemen and servicewomen (and their families) should be protected from any and all hardship related to the soldier’s service. There should be no adversity whatsoever for anyone who is willing to serve all of us in the most dangerous way.

The United States of America I want to see cares about all of its citizens (regardless of net worth), but also expects everyone to pull up their bootstraps and make their own way in the world. I would love to see a real connection between hard work and financial security. Too many people work harder than I’ll ever know and still have struggles I will never understand.

If you don’t want to work, that is your choice. Just don’t expect anything to be handed to you. If you run a multi-billion dollar corporation and feel entitled to keep making money hand over fist, that’s fine too. Just remember that you shouldn’t expect anything to be handed to you either.

Elizabeth Warren said it the best. “There is nobody in this country who got rich on his own. Nobody. You built a factory out there — good for you! But I want to be clear. You moved your goods to market on the roads the rest of us paid for. You hired workers the rest of us paid to educate. You were safe in your factory because of police forces and fire forces that the rest of us paid for. You didn’t have to worry that marauding bands would come and seize everything at your factory, and hire someone to protect against this, because of the work the rest of us did. Now look, you built a factory and it turned into something terrific, or a great idea — God bless. Keep a big hunk of it. But part of the underlying social contract is you take a hunk of that and pay forward for the next kid who comes along.”

Mustard seeds and 9/11

Early in my experience with Soto Zen Buddhism, I heard a story about a woman who went to the Buddha after her child died. She asked him to bring her child back. He told the woman that he would indeed bring her child back to life, but she had to do something first. She had to get one tiny little mustard seed and bring it to the Buddha. However, this mustard seed had to come from a household that did not know pain, suffering, or loss.

She headed out to find this household and get that mustard seed so she could get her child back. Before long, she realized that she was not going to find a household that did not know pain, suffering, or loss and would therefore not get her mustard seed. The Buddha’s lesson dawned on her. She ended her search for the mustard seed and went on with her life.

I certainly don’t think that this story can make anyone feel better about feeling pain, but it does illustrate the First Noble Truth; to live means to suffer.

I have known something about myself for most of my life—I can be oversensitive at times. Seeing pain and suffering around me comes easily. I reflect on the story of the woman with the Buddha, but also on the other three Noble Truths (the origin of suffering is attachment, the cessation of suffering is attainable, following the Eighfold Path is the way to end suffering).

This is all in the forefront of my life now that we’re approaching the 10th anniversary of September 11. Certainly, this was the most horrible day of my life and the lives of countless others. My heart gets heavy when I see and hear reminders of this event.

I find myself asking, “Why?” Why does there have to be such pain? Why does there have to be such hate? My heart breaks when I think of the people who were doing things I do all the time (going to work, flying on a plane, etc.) and they simply did not live to see the end of the day.

Because to live means to suffer.

Death causes pain because of our attachment to life. I am not saying that we should not respect the gift that is life, but that perhaps clinging to it too tightly can make separating from it worse than it could be. It does not help that we truly do not know what happens after death. Is there a heaven? Is there nothing? We do not know (and we never will). Oops – that “need to know” is an example of more clinging!

So. How does one deal with all the pain? I need to reflect on this now more than usual so I can handle this terrible anniversary and remain intact. I could start by living in the moment. Just now, nothing else. I can appreciate the gift of life and remember that it is certainly a temporary state. (“…we’re only immortal for a limited time.” ~ Rush, Dreamline)

I can also pray for peace. I can be an example of non-hatred toward Muslims (9/11 was not a Muslim act despite opinions otherwise). I can remember those who were lost. I can live my life, not allowing this or any other event to move me from my chosen path. We all know pain, suffering, and loss. We are all one.

Which is worse?

Would you rather be a sensitive person who feels pain when witnessing the suffering of others, or a non-feeling person who doesn’t?

Where are we going, and why are we in this handbasket?

I am trying to remind myself that the times we are in are in flux - as change is the only "permanent" thing there is.

I am sure this is not the only time in US history in which there was such divisiveness, but it seems like the people elected to serve us have simply forgotten who their constituents truly are, IMHO.

Corporations are people? No, they are not. Not even close. Corporations are an important part of our economy and have value, but to place that value equal to that of an actual human being is ridiculous.

I just want things to be more fair. Even one of the most wealthy people on Earth, Warren Buffet, wants things to be more fair. Not socialist - FAIR. The distribution of wealth in the US and the world is too off kilter. I don't believe in handouts, but is it asking too much for those with the most to pay taxes like everyone else? (Perhaps a flat tax rate for all?) I am not saying the rich should pay more than their fair share.

Just fair. Of course, I am sure my definition of "fair" may not be the same as others'. (Sigh.)

Jim Thome

I am thrilled that I was watching the Twins game yesterday. They won (which is always nice), but I also got to witness Jim Thome's 599th and 600th home runs live (on TV).

I have not always liked to hear that Jim Thome was up to bat... then again, he used to play against the Twins for many years. I always respected him, but feared him when he would bat against us.

Then he became a Twin - hurray! Now I would drop whatever I was doing to watch his at-bats. Not just because he was inching his way to home run number 600, but just because he could do damage to the opposition's defense.

I believe in my heart of hearts that Jim Thome got to this incredible milestone honestly (unlike Sosa, Bonds, or even perhaps Rodriguez). So, IMHO, Thome is the fifth player to reach 600, not the eighth.

Hurray Jim Thome! Thanks for showing us how to hit 'em out with class.

Has it been over a year?

Yes, I am a terrible blogger. I admit it. I've got some catching up to do!

Here's a summary of the past year:

• I got a contract position writing and editing at the Really Big Bank (yes, the same Really Big Bank that eliminated my position). Hey - I would have laid me off too - it was a business decision and I have absolutely no ill will.




• The Husband and I went to London in September 2010 to celebrate a major milestone anniversary. Quite a lovely town, this London! Great pubs too.




• Our beautiful Monti passed away in November. Kidney disease, just like his sister Beau. Sadness. Monti was the one who loved (and needed) attention. So un-catlike, but fun just the same.




• In March 2011, we were ready to adopt again. Enter Sam and Stella, our new kitties! They were abandoned in a vacant apartment (people can really suck sometimes!). They are quick to purr and fun to watch. They are one month apart (Sam's the elder) and he'll turn one year old around late September or early October. Sam is the orange cat and Stella is the dark striped cat.

I'll try not to wait another year before posting again!

I'm bored

To whom do I owe this situation? I am not a fraud, nor do I want to rip anyone off. I just want a decent job at a decent wage, no farther than South Minneapolis, no closer than my own home. Productivity is a healthy thing. I do want to work – getting paid for nothing does not please me one bit. I have no need for any more material goods – I only want to keep and maintain what I have. I enjoy travel, but do not need to see the entire world in first class accommodations. Future security is good, but I do not need to have multiple residences in retirement – just the one will do, thank you. We’re planning to have the house paid off in our mid-50s, so that will help keep our future going where it should go.

I do not like boredom. Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose. In that case, do I truly want freedom? The Buddhist in me says, “Yes.” The American in me says, “Let’s clarify this ‘nothing left’ part… because heaven forbid that I lose anything that I have.” (If that’s not clinging, I am not sure what is…)

Today’s my birthday. Big deal. It’s not like my childhood when I would have a party with presents and sweets. It’s not like this birthday is of any importance –I already have my driver’s license, I can legally purchase alcohol, I am a registered voter. I am years away from becoming a member of AARP, which is just fine by me. I suppose the next age of note will come when I am able to retire, but that’s not a set age (unlike 16, 18 or 21). I do not know when I will retire, and I don’t know what “retirement” will even look like when it comes. I suspect that I will still work somehow – just to keep myself social and in a little bit of money.

This moment is good. That’s all there is – this moment. A few minutes ago is gone. Last year is so history. Later today is not here now, and we have no idea what will “later today” mean. That’s all.

So what about this situation? I feel guilt for sticking around when I have nothing to do (except mark my hours on a time card).

Raspberries and fireflies - life at Chez Dickey

I walked The Dog around the yard this morning. Every now and again I realize just how fortunate I am to have this great yard and this wonderful home. The Husband and I did not really want a big house - the one we have is plenty big for two people, one cat and one dog. We did want space and nature, which we definitely have here.

When we first moved in, our neighbor had two beautiful horses who lived in the field right behind our house. When we looked out our kitchen windows or sat on our deck, we could see the horses hanging out in their field. We would occasionally feed them apples or carrots (with our neighbor's permission), but mostly we just admired them.

The horses are gone now - as is the neighbor. We do still have many animals who visit Chez Dickey, including a multitude of songbirds (The Husband could name them all), deer, coyotes, red foxes, snakes, toads, tree frogs, skinks, spiders, weasels, woodchucks, and bats. Other birds we have seen in our yard include owls, hawks, and wild turkeys.

We have the yard we mow and the yard we leave alone. We have wildflowers and native Minnesota grasses, pine trees, oaks, maples, black walnuts, buckthorn, aspen, and poplars. One delight we have here are the wild raspberries. This year's a banner year for the black and red raspberries, and the blackberries should be strong this year too (they'll arrive later on).

Another simple joy we have are the fireflies. In June and into July, we have a light show every evening. It's almost as if the paparazzi are out there, flashing away - yet we have total privacy. We've caught a few, only to let them go right away. It's just fun to see them in a jar, flashing their light as if it's an SOS (I can just hear them, "Let me out of this jar! I need to be free!")

We have so much, but it is nice to just enjoy the simple gifts, isn't it?

Right now, this minute

That's all there really is.

I try to keep myself in the moment, but find that I (like so many others) am really good at the "When ______ happens, then all will be good."

The silliest thing I have been thinking lately is that "When I get a job, I can get my nails done." And then what? Really - is that what I am shooing for? (Sorry: Is it that for which I am shooting?) All of my career experience and education going to support a trivial (and artificial) beauty treatment?

Planning for the future is one thing. Living in a future that will never arrive is something else. I try to avoid the "if - then" thinking because it takes me away from NOW. This moment.

Of course, this is easier said (typed?) than done. It's the American Dream to hope for better than what you have/are now. But what if we stepped back and saw that what we have/are now is pretty darn good? Looking forward too much robs us of satisfaction with the here and now.

And really, my trimmed nails are just fine as they are.

Acknowledgement must go to tinybuddha.com for inspiring me today! Ghasso!

Go Twins!

The Husband and I have purchased tickets to two games at Target Field this season. I am excited to see the new park and looking forward to a new season of Twins baseball.

Despite my not-so-positive feelings about major league sports in general (there's too much emphasis on the money, not enough love for the sports themselves... which is a topic for another post someday...), I find myself energized by a new baseball season. I think Terrance Mann summed it up best (from the movie Field of Dreams) when he said,

..."The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again."

This quote not only keeps me in love with baseball, it reminds me of new beginnings. As an unemployed corporate drone trying to find her place in the working world, this has more meaning to me now than ever.

Recurring dreams

I have three themes that keep recurring in my dreams. I do not have the same dream over and over, but somehow I manage to have variations on dreams about my parents’ new house, getting lost on a college campus, and missing classes in high school.

My parents have moved twice since they lived in the house in which I grew up. Both of them are creative people who have definitely made their marks on the houses they owned, through redecorating, massive gardens and reconstruction. The dreams I have of their new houses always feature a different house, but the over-arching premise of the dream is that whatever new house they have, it’s over-the-top magnificent. Opulent chandeliers, breathtaking beachfronts, amazing closets, top-of-the-line appliances, interior waterfalls — it’s all there. I am not sure what this means, but perhaps I am in awe of their creativity and how they have transformed their previous houses into homes that truly were theirs.

The other two dream themes center on education. The college dream, in which I seem to be lost on campus, sometimes finds me in my dorm for part of the dream and other times I am wandering between buildings. One constant is that even though I cannot find my way, I already have multiple post-graduate degrees from this institution. Perhaps I understand that just because I have a college degree, I know I will never stop learning — but somehow will always need a map to get myself where I want to be!

The other dream theme finds me walking the halls of a mystery high school deciding if I am going to attend class or not. While I know that I have already graduated, I still feel a pang of guilt at the thought of skipping a class. What does this mean? Looking back, I did not exactly apply myself during my senior year of high school (I had “senioritis” that set in after I had been accepted to my desired universities). I later redeemed myself in college, earning 4.0 quarters and making the Dean’s List. Do I doubt the validity of my high school diploma? And if so, why does this matter now that I am old enough to have college-aged children of my own (not to mention a Bachelor’s degree)? Perhaps I feel that I could have graduated with honors if I had tried harder. I don’t know.

It’s interesting that I have never had the same actual dream twice. I enjoy dreaming of the palatial estates of my dream parents and do not mind trying to find my way on a university campus, but the high school dreams annoy me. This year is my 25th high school reunion — I would like to put any issues I have with my high school education to bed (pun certainly intended!).

Life at home

Well, I've had a few months off now. I have been working at household projects, creative dinners, dog exercising and networking. I am not a huge "get out there and talk to people" kind of person, so networking is not one of my strengths. However, I did get the ball rolling the best way I know how... by sending letters. I made a list of people who could be networking contacts and asked them to simply remember that I am looking and if they know anyone at any of my target employers, to let me know. I am certainly willing to be a network contact for them as well (this goes both ways, y'know!).

The first bunch of letters went out and I got a response from a dear former co-worker who informed me that there was a typo in my letter (so much for me being a competent writer!). I could just scream. At least most of my letters are not out yet - I made the edit and will send more letters later. Lesson - ask for more eyes to review my pieces before they go out!

The more I look at job postings on the web, the more I find myself not wanting to go back to a corporate job. Maybe my mid-life crisis is impacting my search, but I really want to work somewhere where what I do will matter somewhat. Healthcare, human rights, charities, whatever... I just don't want to merely serve stockholders. I want to serve stakeholders - in areas beyond just worrying about the Bottom Line.

I have offered my services as a volunteer at my Zen center and checked with nearby humane societies for volunteer opportunities (they did not have any!). I just need to get myself out more, which is hard when it's dreary and cold (lame excuses, I know!). I will find something - probably when I least expect it.

Learning my lesson

Back in December 2005, I worked as a Learning and Development Consultant for the investment arm of The Really Big Bank. I had been thinking a lot about leaving the financial world and was checking out job possibilities in other industries. I also knew that I was tired of learning and development and wanted to focus my career on communications (which I enjoyed much more). Finally, I was working in downtown Minneapolis and thought about how nice it would be to work somewhere closer to home.

In January 2006, I took a job with The Medium-Sized Healthcare Company as a Communications Consultant. I was out of banking, out of learning and development, and my office was in Bloomington - just 15 minutes from home! It was great! My job was fun, my co-workers were cool (they still are cool - I just don't see them anymore), and I was home every day before 5 pm.

Eighteen months later, The Medium-Sized Healthcare Company laid me off (department reorganization).

I get it - departments get reorganized, people get shifted around, some lose their jobs. I saw it coming because I was not the first one in my area to get the axe. I took it better than I thought I would... at least at first. Before long - after my tiny severance ran out - I realized that I did not like living on unemployment. Sure, the bills were getting paid, but I was bored and wanted to go shopping (something I really could not justify when my income was from unemployment insurance).

What did I do? I took the first job offer I got and went back into the financial world, back into L&D and to an office located all the way across the Twin Cities (a 30 mile commute one-way).

What the hell was I thinking?

To be sure, I do like working for The Really Big Bank, but did I have to get myself back into the investment area? I actually had to get my Series 7 and Series 66 licenses! That's not me - that's not what I want to do with myself. I am not the best person around to get into Sharpe ratios, margin accounts, and calls and puts.

Okay, okay... I get to shop at will. Big deal. I got myself into a job that did not suit me with the commute from hell (even when the weather is perfect).

Guess what. The Really Big Bank elimiated my position. I get it - companies merge, departments have too many employees, some lose their jobs. The big question now is: Will I learn my lesson?

Will I take the time to find a job that suits me? In communications, not L&D? In an office in the South East Metro - not the North West Metro? At least I have a larger severance package this time... that will buy me some ease (I hope).

I hope I learned something...

Patience...

I have demonstrated patience when I least expected myself to... like when I was a technical trainer at the Very Big Bank Mortgage Company when I had trainees use their mice when the PC was in DOS or when the lady in the convenience store in my building asked me if my hair is naturally curly (she's asked me five times).

However... (you knew there would be a "however" didn't you?)...

This wait to see if I got a new job is killing me! (Okay, perhaps "killing" is a tad extreme.)

I first posted for the job in February.
I was asked to send writing samples around the time of my first interview (with HR) in April.
I was asked to send more writing samples afterward.
I had an interview with the hiring manager in June.
I proceeded to have five more interviews with various people who are my would-be coworkers (one in person and four via telephone) in July.
I was told that I am a top finalist and asked to complete a writing assignment in July.

I have been patient so far, but I really could use a change right now! This job seems like a great fit for me in many ways. (Sigh.)

I will wait. I can be patient. That's all I can do.

Stay tuned!

Random thoughts...

I have always wanted to be a writer. It dawned on me the other day that I have a blog set up just for this purpose... and I don't use it. This is a vehicle I am not driving very often, eh?

So - here's some typing on my blog. Let's see what turns up!


Guilt! (How's that for a start?)

When I was a child, I thought the VW Bugs were groovy. They weren't your ordinary dull sedan, but they had an essence of fun and joy about them. I was disappointed to learn that they were going out of production and that the ones built in Mexico were not "street legal" in the United States. (Sigh.)

Later on in life, I was able to purchase my very first new car. I did my research, drove some test drives, and decided on the Saturn SL2. A practical but not too boring car... I added the rear spoiler to give it a little bit of an edge. (Did I use the word "edge" when writing about a Saturn? Sorry - it won't happen again.)

Shortly after the purchase of my new SL2, Volkswagen announced the production of the New Beetle. Lousy timing! Well, I did have a four-door car and The Husband had his two-door Ranger, so it was all for the best that I did not get a New Beetle anyway, right? After all, there is that one time every ten or 11 months where having a four-door vehicle comes in handy, right? Bah! I was not happy. I wanted a Beetle!

Years past and I grew to appreciate the Saturn. It was a fine car - easy to maintain and a nifty shade of blue. Then it came time for The Husband to get a new truck. He did his research, drove some test drives, and decided on a four-door Dodge Dakota. We had an addition to the family in the time since we had the Ranger... Pepper. He's a big dog and needs a back seat in the new truck all for himself. We need the four doors. I did not say anything, but the main reason (besides Pepper's comfort, natch!) that I supported the purchase of the Dakota was that The Husband could then be the one who could drive the vehicle with the four doors (for that one time every ten or 11 months where those extra back doors could be handy...).

So - two years later, it is time for me to get a new car. I did not do any research and only did one test drive... to help me decide if I wanted a New Beetle with an automatic transmission or a manual transmission. I decided on not only the manual, but a diesel as well. (This car of mine gets super mileage - about 43 to 45 MPG!)

Oh yeah... the guilt part. There's guilt along for the ride here. Allow me to explain.

When I was a child who longed for a VW Bug because they were cute and fun and swell, I had no idea that the car I admired was actually designed by Adolph Hitler. Yes, that Adolph Hitler. So much for cute, fun and swell. Not only that, but the Volkswagen company employed Jewish slave labor in their factories (okay, perhaps "employed" is not the right word...). Swell.

As The Husband and I were discussing the financing and purchase of a new car for me, I wrestled with my thoughts on this. How on earth could I enjoy a car designed by such an evil person? I searched for any redeeming aspect of the Volkswagen Company and found that while they have paid reparations for their part in the oppression of the Jews and others during the Holocaust, they weren't as quick about it as I would have liked. (Of course, I realize that very few corporations would ever meet my exacting standards of conduct - especially when it comes to human rights.)

That said, I also realized that very few car corporations would meet my standards... so then what would I drive?

Back to my youth. I remember when the Ford Pinto had a reputation for exploding upon rear impact due to the design of the gas tank. I rode in one once and insisted on sitting in the front passenger seat. People died as a result and the Ford Corporation was sued many times. At first, the lawsuits were not in Ford's favor - but all they had to do was pay actual damages to the plaintiffs (i.e., the cost of the destroyed Pinto). They knew that this was a much cheaper way to go than to redesign the Pinto and re-tool the factories, so they just kept getting sued and paying victims off for the cost of their cars. Never mind that people were still dying and getting burnt (literally and figuratively).

One day, a case went to court (Ford Motor Corporation versus some family of yet another Pinto victim) and not only did the plaintiff get actual damages, but punitive damages were also awarded to the tune of millions of dollars. This finally got Ford to change. I can't remember exactly, but I seem to recall that 53 people died in Pinto explosions. IMHO, that's 53 too many.

What does the Pinto have to do with this? After I learned all about the whole Pinto saga, I decided that a company that has such disregard for human life does not ever deserve my money. I started a personal boycott of Ford. (Never mind that I couldn't have afforded one anyway at the time... I was just a kid.)

(Note: Sharp readers may have caught that The Husband drove a Ranger at one time. I had to okay this because we purchased it used and it was not my vehicle anyway. Ford did not get our money from that purchase.)

Years flew past (again!) and I came to learn that Ford is now a well-respected company when it comes to supporting the GLBT population. DiversityInc. includes Ford in its list of the best companies for supporting diversity. I even heard about how some conservative groups wanted Ford to pull its ads in GLBT-focused publications or be boycotted - and Ford refused. Now that is the conduct of a corporation I can support! Human rights are important to me and I respect the way that Ford stood up for their beliefs.

The point? Companies can change. Ford management that made horrible decisions in the past is gone. Sure, there are still companies that could make my blood boil, but perhaps it's time to realize that VW has moved beyond the days of slave labor and anti-Semitism?

Finally, I found an article written by a Jewish woman about her longing for a New Beetle and the guilt that she felt about wanting a car with this sordid history. And this woman's grandmother was held in a concentration camp during WWII! Furthermore, this woman lived in New York City and really had no need for a car at all. But she wanted this New Beetle in a way to which I could not even relate. This woman finally went to her grandmother with her conflicting desire to have a German car and not disrespect the suffering her people went through. Her grandmother's response to the woman's yearning for a New Beetle? "Finally, the war is over," the grandmother said. It was time to move on. Just buy the car and enjoy life.

So - I have my platinum grey New Beetle TDI with package 1 (sunroof, cool wheels, heated seats, etc.). I love my car. It's cute and fun and swell. And every now and then, when I feel guilty about my car, I remember the Holocaust survivor grandmother and pledge to enjoy life and move on.

Yes - it's been a long time

But I have a good excuse - I am on Facebook now.

You see, when I wrote on this blog, I had no idea if anyone was even reading (except for a few friends). When I write on Facebook, it's much less information, but I have a greater level of confidence that someone is actually reading what I am up to.

Of course, Facebook is not anonymous - which is why I limit my page to only my friends. This blog is wide open to the public... which is why I don't really leave too many personal details. Actually, my name is not even Collette (but it was when I was in high school French class, for what that's worth!).

Since I really do not spend a lot of my time away from work on the PC (after all, I am already spending 98% of my time at work on a PC), I am wondering if I will blog much at all anymore. Yet, the idea of a relatively anonymous cyber soap box appeals to me (and millions of others...).

If you are actually reading this, leave me a comment. Anything. Tell me what time it is, say hello, or just leave the word "peace" to let me know if this is worth the time. If you'd like, tell me about your day, what is on your mind and what you would like to see in the future (for the economy, baseball season, whatever...).

Thanks - in advance.
~ Collette