To whom do I owe this situation? I am not a fraud, nor do I want to rip anyone off. I just want a decent job at a decent wage, no farther than South Minneapolis, no closer than my own home. Productivity is a healthy thing. I do want to work – getting paid for nothing does not please me one bit. I have no need for any more material goods – I only want to keep and maintain what I have. I enjoy travel, but do not need to see the entire world in first class accommodations. Future security is good, but I do not need to have multiple residences in retirement – just the one will do, thank you. We’re planning to have the house paid off in our mid-50s, so that will help keep our future going where it should go.
I do not like boredom. Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose. In that case, do I truly want freedom? The Buddhist in me says, “Yes.” The American in me says, “Let’s clarify this ‘nothing left’ part… because heaven forbid that I lose anything that I have.” (If that’s not clinging, I am not sure what is…)
Today’s my birthday. Big deal. It’s not like my childhood when I would have a party with presents and sweets. It’s not like this birthday is of any importance –I already have my driver’s license, I can legally purchase alcohol, I am a registered voter. I am years away from becoming a member of AARP, which is just fine by me. I suppose the next age of note will come when I am able to retire, but that’s not a set age (unlike 16, 18 or 21). I do not know when I will retire, and I don’t know what “retirement” will even look like when it comes. I suspect that I will still work somehow – just to keep myself social and in a little bit of money.
This moment is good. That’s all there is – this moment. A few minutes ago is gone. Last year is so history. Later today is not here now, and we have no idea what will “later today” mean. That’s all.
So what about this situation? I feel guilt for sticking around when I have nothing to do (except mark my hours on a time card).
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
Friday, July 09, 2010
Raspberries and fireflies - life at Chez Dickey
I walked The Dog around the yard this morning. Every now and again I realize just how fortunate I am to have this great yard and this wonderful home. The Husband and I did not really want a big house - the one we have is plenty big for two people, one cat and one dog. We did want space and nature, which we definitely have here.
When we first moved in, our neighbor had two beautiful horses who lived in the field right behind our house. When we looked out our kitchen windows or sat on our deck, we could see the horses hanging out in their field. We would occasionally feed them apples or carrots (with our neighbor's permission), but mostly we just admired them.
The horses are gone now - as is the neighbor. We do still have many animals who visit Chez Dickey, including a multitude of songbirds (The Husband could name them all), deer, coyotes, red foxes, snakes, toads, tree frogs, skinks, spiders, weasels, woodchucks, and bats. Other birds we have seen in our yard include owls, hawks, and wild turkeys.
We have the yard we mow and the yard we leave alone. We have wildflowers and native Minnesota grasses, pine trees, oaks, maples, black walnuts, buckthorn, aspen, and poplars. One delight we have here are the wild raspberries. This year's a banner year for the black and red raspberries, and the blackberries should be strong this year too (they'll arrive later on).
Another simple joy we have are the fireflies. In June and into July, we have a light show every evening. It's almost as if the paparazzi are out there, flashing away - yet we have total privacy. We've caught a few, only to let them go right away. It's just fun to see them in a jar, flashing their light as if it's an SOS (I can just hear them, "Let me out of this jar! I need to be free!")
We have so much, but it is nice to just enjoy the simple gifts, isn't it?
When we first moved in, our neighbor had two beautiful horses who lived in the field right behind our house. When we looked out our kitchen windows or sat on our deck, we could see the horses hanging out in their field. We would occasionally feed them apples or carrots (with our neighbor's permission), but mostly we just admired them.
The horses are gone now - as is the neighbor. We do still have many animals who visit Chez Dickey, including a multitude of songbirds (The Husband could name them all), deer, coyotes, red foxes, snakes, toads, tree frogs, skinks, spiders, weasels, woodchucks, and bats. Other birds we have seen in our yard include owls, hawks, and wild turkeys.
We have the yard we mow and the yard we leave alone. We have wildflowers and native Minnesota grasses, pine trees, oaks, maples, black walnuts, buckthorn, aspen, and poplars. One delight we have here are the wild raspberries. This year's a banner year for the black and red raspberries, and the blackberries should be strong this year too (they'll arrive later on).
Another simple joy we have are the fireflies. In June and into July, we have a light show every evening. It's almost as if the paparazzi are out there, flashing away - yet we have total privacy. We've caught a few, only to let them go right away. It's just fun to see them in a jar, flashing their light as if it's an SOS (I can just hear them, "Let me out of this jar! I need to be free!")
We have so much, but it is nice to just enjoy the simple gifts, isn't it?
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Right now, this minute
That's all there really is.
I try to keep myself in the moment, but find that I (like so many others) am really good at the "When ______ happens, then all will be good."
The silliest thing I have been thinking lately is that "When I get a job, I can get my nails done." And then what? Really - is that what I am shooing for? (Sorry: Is it that for which I am shooting?) All of my career experience and education going to support a trivial (and artificial) beauty treatment?
Planning for the future is one thing. Living in a future that will never arrive is something else. I try to avoid the "if - then" thinking because it takes me away from NOW. This moment.
Of course, this is easier said (typed?) than done. It's the American Dream to hope for better than what you have/are now. But what if we stepped back and saw that what we have/are now is pretty darn good? Looking forward too much robs us of satisfaction with the here and now.
And really, my trimmed nails are just fine as they are.
Acknowledgement must go to tinybuddha.com for inspiring me today! Ghasso!
I try to keep myself in the moment, but find that I (like so many others) am really good at the "When ______ happens, then all will be good."
The silliest thing I have been thinking lately is that "When I get a job, I can get my nails done." And then what? Really - is that what I am shooing for? (Sorry: Is it that for which I am shooting?) All of my career experience and education going to support a trivial (and artificial) beauty treatment?
Planning for the future is one thing. Living in a future that will never arrive is something else. I try to avoid the "if - then" thinking because it takes me away from NOW. This moment.
Of course, this is easier said (typed?) than done. It's the American Dream to hope for better than what you have/are now. But what if we stepped back and saw that what we have/are now is pretty darn good? Looking forward too much robs us of satisfaction with the here and now.
And really, my trimmed nails are just fine as they are.
Acknowledgement must go to tinybuddha.com for inspiring me today! Ghasso!
Friday, March 19, 2010
Go Twins!
The Husband and I have purchased tickets to two games at Target Field this season. I am excited to see the new park and looking forward to a new season of Twins baseball.
Despite my not-so-positive feelings about major league sports in general (there's too much emphasis on the money, not enough love for the sports themselves... which is a topic for another post someday...), I find myself energized by a new baseball season. I think Terrance Mann summed it up best (from the movie Field of Dreams) when he said,
..."The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again."
This quote not only keeps me in love with baseball, it reminds me of new beginnings. As an unemployed corporate drone trying to find her place in the working world, this has more meaning to me now than ever.
Despite my not-so-positive feelings about major league sports in general (there's too much emphasis on the money, not enough love for the sports themselves... which is a topic for another post someday...), I find myself energized by a new baseball season. I think Terrance Mann summed it up best (from the movie Field of Dreams) when he said,
..."The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again."
This quote not only keeps me in love with baseball, it reminds me of new beginnings. As an unemployed corporate drone trying to find her place in the working world, this has more meaning to me now than ever.
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Recurring dreams
I have three themes that keep recurring in my dreams. I do not have the same dream over and over, but somehow I manage to have variations on dreams about my parents’ new house, getting lost on a college campus, and missing classes in high school.
My parents have moved twice since they lived in the house in which I grew up. Both of them are creative people who have definitely made their marks on the houses they owned, through redecorating, massive gardens and reconstruction. The dreams I have of their new houses always feature a different house, but the over-arching premise of the dream is that whatever new house they have, it’s over-the-top magnificent. Opulent chandeliers, breathtaking beachfronts, amazing closets, top-of-the-line appliances, interior waterfalls — it’s all there. I am not sure what this means, but perhaps I am in awe of their creativity and how they have transformed their previous houses into homes that truly were theirs.
The other two dream themes center on education. The college dream, in which I seem to be lost on campus, sometimes finds me in my dorm for part of the dream and other times I am wandering between buildings. One constant is that even though I cannot find my way, I already have multiple post-graduate degrees from this institution. Perhaps I understand that just because I have a college degree, I know I will never stop learning — but somehow will always need a map to get myself where I want to be!
The other dream theme finds me walking the halls of a mystery high school deciding if I am going to attend class or not. While I know that I have already graduated, I still feel a pang of guilt at the thought of skipping a class. What does this mean? Looking back, I did not exactly apply myself during my senior year of high school (I had “senioritis” that set in after I had been accepted to my desired universities). I later redeemed myself in college, earning 4.0 quarters and making the Dean’s List. Do I doubt the validity of my high school diploma? And if so, why does this matter now that I am old enough to have college-aged children of my own (not to mention a Bachelor’s degree)? Perhaps I feel that I could have graduated with honors if I had tried harder. I don’t know.
It’s interesting that I have never had the same actual dream twice. I enjoy dreaming of the palatial estates of my dream parents and do not mind trying to find my way on a university campus, but the high school dreams annoy me. This year is my 25th high school reunion — I would like to put any issues I have with my high school education to bed (pun certainly intended!).
My parents have moved twice since they lived in the house in which I grew up. Both of them are creative people who have definitely made their marks on the houses they owned, through redecorating, massive gardens and reconstruction. The dreams I have of their new houses always feature a different house, but the over-arching premise of the dream is that whatever new house they have, it’s over-the-top magnificent. Opulent chandeliers, breathtaking beachfronts, amazing closets, top-of-the-line appliances, interior waterfalls — it’s all there. I am not sure what this means, but perhaps I am in awe of their creativity and how they have transformed their previous houses into homes that truly were theirs.
The other two dream themes center on education. The college dream, in which I seem to be lost on campus, sometimes finds me in my dorm for part of the dream and other times I am wandering between buildings. One constant is that even though I cannot find my way, I already have multiple post-graduate degrees from this institution. Perhaps I understand that just because I have a college degree, I know I will never stop learning — but somehow will always need a map to get myself where I want to be!
The other dream theme finds me walking the halls of a mystery high school deciding if I am going to attend class or not. While I know that I have already graduated, I still feel a pang of guilt at the thought of skipping a class. What does this mean? Looking back, I did not exactly apply myself during my senior year of high school (I had “senioritis” that set in after I had been accepted to my desired universities). I later redeemed myself in college, earning 4.0 quarters and making the Dean’s List. Do I doubt the validity of my high school diploma? And if so, why does this matter now that I am old enough to have college-aged children of my own (not to mention a Bachelor’s degree)? Perhaps I feel that I could have graduated with honors if I had tried harder. I don’t know.
It’s interesting that I have never had the same actual dream twice. I enjoy dreaming of the palatial estates of my dream parents and do not mind trying to find my way on a university campus, but the high school dreams annoy me. This year is my 25th high school reunion — I would like to put any issues I have with my high school education to bed (pun certainly intended!).
Friday, January 22, 2010
Life at home
Well, I've had a few months off now. I have been working at household projects, creative dinners, dog exercising and networking. I am not a huge "get out there and talk to people" kind of person, so networking is not one of my strengths. However, I did get the ball rolling the best way I know how... by sending letters. I made a list of people who could be networking contacts and asked them to simply remember that I am looking and if they know anyone at any of my target employers, to let me know. I am certainly willing to be a network contact for them as well (this goes both ways, y'know!).
The first bunch of letters went out and I got a response from a dear former co-worker who informed me that there was a typo in my letter (so much for me being a competent writer!). I could just scream. At least most of my letters are not out yet - I made the edit and will send more letters later. Lesson - ask for more eyes to review my pieces before they go out!
The more I look at job postings on the web, the more I find myself not wanting to go back to a corporate job. Maybe my mid-life crisis is impacting my search, but I really want to work somewhere where what I do will matter somewhat. Healthcare, human rights, charities, whatever... I just don't want to merely serve stockholders. I want to serve stakeholders - in areas beyond just worrying about the Bottom Line.
I have offered my services as a volunteer at my Zen center and checked with nearby humane societies for volunteer opportunities (they did not have any!). I just need to get myself out more, which is hard when it's dreary and cold (lame excuses, I know!). I will find something - probably when I least expect it.
The first bunch of letters went out and I got a response from a dear former co-worker who informed me that there was a typo in my letter (so much for me being a competent writer!). I could just scream. At least most of my letters are not out yet - I made the edit and will send more letters later. Lesson - ask for more eyes to review my pieces before they go out!
The more I look at job postings on the web, the more I find myself not wanting to go back to a corporate job. Maybe my mid-life crisis is impacting my search, but I really want to work somewhere where what I do will matter somewhat. Healthcare, human rights, charities, whatever... I just don't want to merely serve stockholders. I want to serve stakeholders - in areas beyond just worrying about the Bottom Line.
I have offered my services as a volunteer at my Zen center and checked with nearby humane societies for volunteer opportunities (they did not have any!). I just need to get myself out more, which is hard when it's dreary and cold (lame excuses, I know!). I will find something - probably when I least expect it.
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