Qui m’est? (Is that the right way to ask?)

Part of me leans toward the hippie, flower-child type who would thrive in the Renaissance Festival lifestyle. Part of me buys Gucci purses and more shoes than necessary and loves having financial security. Part of me wants to be someone; part of me wants to be left alone.

One thing is for sure – all parts of me need to be more grateful. Grateful that I even have the opportunity to decide for myself what parts of me I want to show (or hide). Grateful that I live in a culture that allows me autonomy and respect (well, more respect than some other cultures!). Grateful for the wonderful person I share my life with – The Husband. He is supportive, loving, caring, and funny as heck!

So, who am I? Cher has been quoted comparing being rich and poor, young and old, skinny and fat, and deciding that rich, young, and skinny is preferable. I would agree (although I don’t know about Cher’s level of wealth; I just know that we’re much better off now than we were when we started out). I am older, I am larger. I am unhealthier. I am in more physical pain than before, but less emotional pain than before.

I do not like my job. I do not feel useful and I do not have enough to do (yet people around me feel that I must be busy). I do not like long commutes, yet I chose to take a job farther away than any job I have ever had. What was I thinking? (I was thinking that, “I am unemployed and should really take this job in Minnetonka because it’s only until the end of August.”) Well, it’s September and I am still here – probably until next March unless I find something else. And no more hour-long commutes!

Part of me wants to retire, but I know that a big part of me is too lazy. I need to have something to do, or I risk doing nothing (or not much). Is that so wrong? “Yes,” says part of me. “Why?” says another part. Why do I have to do something all of the time? Why can’t I just be? Perhaps because I am not mindful enough to remember to just be. I would sink into mindlessness, and that’s not acceptable. Why should The Husband keep his job just to support me? He deserves to retire more than I do. He works harder, has a better work ethic, and suffers greater stress than I do. Part of me thinks I should find a job for myself that would allow him to retire, but I don’t know if that is realistic. Maybe after we get rid of the mortgage I could continue full-time and he could at least switch to something less stressful.

Part of me needs to get back to work, even though most of me knows I don’t have a lot to do right now.